Das Office Mate Agreement

das ich beim aufräumen im Büro wieder gefunden haben. War nur ein Draft, finale Version haben wir nie hinbekommen.

Code of conduct

The office is aired for at least 5 minutes by whoever arrives first. Even in winter.

Windows are to be locked by the last one leaving for home.

Office decoration may contain kittens, robots and naked women.

No singing. Singing is defined by melodic articulating, humming and whistling with more than five notes.

No dancing. Gangnam style dancing results in total war, nullifying all rules of combat.

The following colours are forbidden to be used in decoration:

  • pink
  • purple

The Red Bull purchase has to be handled with care and foresight. It is to be avoided that only one can is available in the fridge.

Mobile phones have to be muted when entering the office.

It is not allowed to call one „mom“ or „dad“ since it may be interpreted as insult toward one’s age.


Shoes have to be worn all the time. No matter what season or temperature.

Complete clothing is mandatory. Shorts or skirts may not be shorter than kneelength. No naked knees may be visible while standing.


Rules of combat

  • No aiming for the face
  • Weapons do not leave the office except for holidays
  • If one gets attacked by others, support is expected until factions are defined
  • Whoever smashes property, pays for repairs or substitute
  • Thou shalt not touch the other one’s weapon!

Non-combat situations

Absolute peacetime

Absolute remains absolute. No discussion acceptable.

  • No shooting while someone holds a beverage.
  • No shooting when someone is on the phone.
  • No shooting while someone eats lunch.

Preferred peacetime

Situations may be subject to change, depending on further circumstances.

  • No shooting while the other is being abducted by aliens – except to kill and shorten suffering
  • No shooting while sneezing

Skynet clause

During a robot uprising, each one is responsible for shutting down all machinery in the room ASAP. It’s mankind versus machine, personal feelings have to be set aside.

Zombiecalypse clause

In case of a zombie attack, it’s every man for himself – and ofc – every woman for herself. While it is not fair to shoot the other in the leg to ensure one’s escape, it is acceptable in these circumstances.

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